Coming to terms...

I have always known that T is transgender and I accept it as part of who T is. T has recently came "out" about the fact the he (I will now call T he as this is how he feels) wants to change genders. Dealing with someone who identifies as transgender is not easy but being that someone who feels they were born in the wrong body is daily torture for that person. There is not a whole lot of info for husbands and wife's who have a spouse going through the long journey of gender reassignment surgery, I am guessing this is due to  the fact that most don't stick around once they learn that their partner wishes to be the opposite sex. I love T and would not change who he is for the world. Our marriage is a strong and feisty one that can survive a nuclear love war, so I know we are safe there!

Hearing that T wanted to go through with the surgery and take testosterone was still hard, I felt as though I will be losing someone very close to me and that once all this is started I would have to "get to know" T as a Him which seems odd to me because T has always been male acting and dressing but for some reason I feel this way. I feel happy for T but in a small selfish way I feel sad for myself. My biggest fear is that it will change who T is and why I love him so much. I know there will be many many changes in the year to come, I know they are good changes. I know there will be things I will have to accept and things that I will have to let go. There are million questions I have about the whole process and I ask T a knew one everyday lol I am sure I'm driving T crazy but I'm curious on a lot of little things. I google a lot about it but it is mostly only from the person going through the surgery's perspective which can be helpful but it would be nice to hear from the spouses point a view as well .

 I could not imagine feeling like my insides are one gender but my outsides don't reflect that. It's sad and I truly believe this step towards his true self will be one of the best things that happened for him/us. For now we are on a wait list for the surgery but have all the paper work ready to go for the gender change for his drivers licence, birth certificate ext. to be changed over now as well as his name change (luckily it will still be the same name just the "Male" spelling of it) I will keep updating on this topic from time to time as I am sure there are people in my shoes who would like to know how I/we cope with the change over from female to male!

FTM/MTF art - colorpuke by troyu - http://www.deviantart.com/art/colorpuke-llD-177454357

Day Two update!

Well we were hoping to go into labour on Sunday but this marks day # 2 past our due date! All seems fine with  baby and  me!  I was told that if I have not gone into labour by next Thursday we should head straight to the  hospital. That  seems so far away!! I will be 42 weeks pregnant! We are so excited it is so hard to wait for this little cutie! We hope he arrives soon so we can meet him!

Hope everyone is doing wonderful in blogand!

Life's a dance...

Yesterday we got some news. Good news but at the same time it was that stressful life changing BIG decision kind of news. We are excited about the possibility of a new start but deep inside that rumbling fear is rising ever so quickly. T got a job offer that is more pay, benefits, no night shifts or weekends and is way more stable then the one she has now. The job is a dream come true for all of us. It seems like a no brainer that we should take it! The downfall is we would have to move fairly quickly and make a decision in the next few days! The timing is perfect in the way that I can take my maternity leave at any time now that we are only 8 weeks from our due date. Moving is a big pain but with three dogs and a pregnant lady this could be hell, we have looked online and it seems to be a little more expensive to rent out where we would need to move. So would we really be making any extra cash if we were putting the “extra” on rent? So many things run through our brains… Funny how these things pop up at strange times in your life? For now we will wait and see what happens in the next few days!

Take care blogglandians! 

With all the really hot ...REALLY REALLY HOT and sticky weather all I can see in this pictures is that yummy slushy! 

Our DIY Photos!

My week off was hectic in the beginning. We did A LOT of organizing and cleaning ...was not fun but needed to be done in the worst way! Near the end of the week we got to relax and this is when we decided to take some photos! We planed a beautiful drive and we stop and take pictures along the way at various spots we liked.  It was a lot of fun! We don't have a professional camera in any way just a regular point and shoot with a tripod is all we used. It was nice to get out and finally get some pictures of us! (Our Daughter was away at camp so we will be doing some family ones when the little guy is born!)

Hope everyone is enjoying their summer! :)

32 weeks

 

 

BIG step in the right direction!

I can't claim to know all that goes on in the States, we are from canada, but I do try to follow Human Rights issues no matter where they are in the world! I was just so excited to find out that same-sex couples who are married or want to get married will have the same rights as every other married couple! I know that not all States are the same and there is still some bans on same-sex marriages :( , but I believe soon it will be legal all over America and hopefully other countries as well. Our country has had gay marriage rights leaglized for as long as I can remember. I have never taken for granted how lucky we are to live in Canada and how lucky I was to be able to marry the one I was meant for..no questions asked. My heart goes out to the couples who want to be married and can't or who are married but where they live it means nothing, because to the couple it means EVERYTHING! It takes time for change but it seems like things are heading in the right direction for those living across the way from us! Congratulations on a big step forward!

Learning to Fly...

T and I are dreamers and have high hopes for our future, whatever that maybe. T starts the journey next Friday to become a pilot. This is a HUGE step for T and our life. She loves all things planes (always has) and for her birthday last year I brought her up for her very first plane ride! Since that day I think mostly because the pilot actually let her fly for a bit, she could not get flying out of her head and how badly she wanted to become a pilot and build a career doing it. She has always felt like she couldn't do things because of money, time, not smart enough, it will never happen...all those usual quetions ppl tell themselves before taking a huge leap into the unknown. But here we are a week away from a dream catching fire. I am excited for her to fulfill this dream. We still don't know 100% where the $ will come from but I'm a BIG HUGE believer in where there's a will there's a way! We had a dream of building our family and here we are into our last trimester, at the start we had no clue if or how we would do it or even if it would work for us but we took that leap and landed on cloud 9! Live your dreams no matter how minuscule or how gigantic they can come true!
Happy Friday blogg landers! Have a spectacular weekend!

Before going up! (Last Year) 

After! (last Year)

T is the father of my children!

Happy Fathers day to my love T! She truly is what the word "father" stands for in every way possible! I feel blessed that my children have such an amazing "father figure". She continues to surprise me everyday with her love for our daughter and soon to be son! Happy Fathers day T!
 hope you enjoyed the cupcakes!

95 days left to go! (Give or take of course!)

This baby boy of ours has given me a pretty easygoing pregnancy! I feel lucky that I never got sick or had any complications (so far) The only thing I had was few dizzy spells and an upset stomach from time to time, very early in the pregnancy. For the most part it has been fun and easy. Lately though it has been uncomfortable and I feel my body slowing down a lot. I am used to go! go! go! but it seems to be no no no now! Not that I am complaining, I have truly loved every minute of this little guy being warm and safe inside me. I was very surprised when T mentioned that she will miss me being pregnant, I think I will miss it too but so happy that he will be in our arms!

Room seems to be getting scarce in the tummy Inn. I can actually see him move sometimes when looking at my belly! He seems to be on a little schedule too- he wakes me up every morning with little kicks (I am guessing he is hungry! I know I sure am!!) Then I feel him sometimes in the afternoon here and there but not too much. At bedtime he is the most active, I swear he is playing hacky sack with my insides! T thinks it is just amazing to feel his tiny kicks. I love how she smiles and gets so happy when she feels him! Brings joy to my heart every single time.

Side note on Rude people!

Before we started TTC (2 or 3 years before) I had lost  A LOT of weight (over a 120lbs I lost) by the time we had got married I had put back on about 40-50 of those lbs but it never bothered me I was healthy and happy..so why would it??? T has always and will always make me feel like I am the most beautiful. I have put on some more lbs now that we are pregnant, not a crazy amount but I carry a lot of it in my face. I do feel I have a little belly, I have never been stick thin but I see a baby belly!! Well to make a long story short - when I was at my old office visiting, one of my co-works  said "oh I thought you had just put back on all the weight you lost; I didn't even know you were pregnant- congratulations!" To me it was a little rude. I have always been ashamed of my size but as I grow up it is my health that comes first not my dress size!! My family is always bugging and asking me especially now that I am pregnant. Saying things like "have you gained a lot?" what is your weight now?" every conversation something to do with my weight comes up! My family is like that and always has been, thin = beauty to them!! This is one reason why I rarely speak to them! I do plan to drop a few lbs after our son is born but more for keeping up with a toddler and being a more healthy active me! I have no desire to be a size 0!  ...Yes I look huge but to me it is worth it!  I am a bigger girl who is pregnant and I show my baby pump off with pride and love! We are all people, we are all made up of the same things!! big, small, gay straight, short, tall, black, white it does not matter! I am a true believer in accepting people for who they are on the inside! 

Hope everyone is having a great week! Peace and Positive vibes to everyone out in blog-World!

26 weeks today!

Happy Mothers Day!

Happy Mothers Day to All! It does not matter if you hold your child(ren) in your heart, your womb or in your arms you are all mothers just the same! I wish you all a very Happy Mothers Day!

Halfway....

The other night I had a very quiet night alone. I sat in Oz’s room listening to music and watching the sunset from his window. I just sat and thought about things good and bad. I thought about how we came to the spot we are in right now. How did one little “bed chat” (we always seem to chit chat just before we fall asleep) turn into actually being halfway through our first pregnancy?? It hit me hard when that thought came rolling in…... really?? Halfway …Holy Shit it seems like yesterday we were waiting to pee on a stick! I went as far as to look up how long we really do have left…in just 18 short weeks he will be with us.  I kind of went into panic mode. All these thoughts flooded my mind and I couldn’t shake them. I couldn’t sleep because of all the thoughts and the fact that I was very excited inside but equally scared. A new life will be added to this world and will forever change our lives. 

A million questions roll around in my brain…will we be good at the baby thing? Will we know what to do? Will Sj feel like we don’t spend time with her? Will I know if I am going into “real” labor? Will I shit the bed when giving birth? (Yes that has crossed my mind LOL) Will I be able to breast feed like I want to? What does it feel like to breast-feed? Will he be ok? what will the little bean look like? Will T be able to be with me when I give birth? (She works nights so it is a possibility she may not make it home in time) If she is not with me, am I strong enough to give birth alone? How will our relationship/family change & grow when the little guy comes? 

As I have been pregnant and gave birth once before, should I not know the answers to some of these? I am not the only one that thinks that, when I asked the doctor on our last appointment what contractions feel like …she gave me the strangest look. I really don’t know how one feels or what it feels like to give birth. As hard as I try I cannot remember Sj’s birth. All I remember is a very scared 16-year-old girl who had no clue what was going on.  I feel now that I am older I just want to be as prepared as I can, I want to ask a million questions and be calm about everything (as calm as I can be while in labor) I know I want to try to have a natural birth but I also know that nothing with child birthing goes as you plan or imagine it to. I have come to the conclusion I just need to take a deep breath, enjoy all the little moments this summer and hope for all the best come September!

Sunday post #2!

The great name debate!!

I work as a secretary at an early learning centre. I hear and have heard almost every name imaginable. I have never been one to judge or say something about a parent’s choice of name. Even celebrities and their wild choices for baby names doesn't faze me, After all I know how much thought and time goes into choosing the right name for your little bundle. Some people I come right out and ask “what does that name mean?” not in a rude way just my curiosity gets the best of me. I never have been meet with anything but moms and dads who are overjoyed to share why they chose the name and what it means. I love some people’s choice to go outside of the names like Matthew and Madison (nothing wrong with those names just a few of the ones I hear the most often!!)  One mom  named all three of her little girls after flowers because she herself was named after a flower, some chose a name that is mixture of both parents names mixed up to make a unique name that I have never heard before. I think it is wonderful that we as parents get this honour. So when I was meet by rude comments and harsh words by my loves family and then to my astonishment my own mom! I was sadden, We chose a name we both fell in love with, it fit with us and it was the one we just couldn’t stop thinking about. It brought us both down to hear people we care for found this name so disgusting? It wasn’t a name we had never heard before, the meaning of it is strength and courage, what parents would not want their child to have strength in times of toughness or have courage to go out into the world and be who they are and love what they do?  It has puzzled me that this two letter name has caused such uproar?!? Have any of you had such drama around your choice of name?

Such a Happy Sunday!

I have not been on in a little while.... but such great news to read when I did come online today! I can't seem to stop smiling for all those in blogland that have got those BFP they have been dreaming about!! So exciting and happy to hear! Congratulations to you all and thank you, you have all really made my Sunday that much more bright! Positive vibes for those who have yet to find out or who are just starting/in the TTC journey!

One more picture of our little guy and some of our painting up the nursery! Painting the nursery was so much fun for us. It was nice to have the sun shining in on us, the window's open and laughing along while we worked away, after a long cold gray winter it felt like Paradise! I have a few DIY ideas I have been plucking away at I will post those up soon! Happy Sunday everyone! Stay positive!


Taping up the room was the hard part  we had to do it twice as we wanted two different colours!

almost time to paint! YAY!

one colour done! :) My luv being sun silly!

All done! this is with the other colour on too! It was supposed to be a more funky green but it didn't paint on that way..oh well still love it!
 

We can't wait to meet you only 5 months to go!! YAY!


 



Gender Shmender... :P

~Warning long post ahead~

My dear love T is a great GREAT!! person and I don’t just say that because I am married to her, I say that because it is the truth! Not many people would take the time in this world to get to know this special person. As sad as it is they always wonder Girl? Or Boy? What is T? We get stares A LOT and it upsets my love & me, as she just wants to be her self. She doesn’t want to get a sex change to become a “guy” she just wants to be accepted as a person who likes more “masculine” type things. You see my love doesn’t identify as any particular “sex” she does enjoy more of societies idea of “boy things” and I think it is great, it makes T who she is! I have ALWAYS even at a young age questioned why some toys only had girls advertised in them and why some only had boys in them? Why do cars have to be a boy thing? Why do dolls have to be a girl thing? Why does pink = girl and blue = boy?  These questions raddle my brain more and more these days. 

We went shopping for baby items and it was scary to see that to the left of us was pink! Pink! Pink! To the right was… you guessed it blue! Blue! Blue! Everything from car seats to diapers was gender labeled with Girl or Boy.  Only a very small amount would be considered “gender neutral” because it had greens and yellows on it.

The car ride home brought up many little conversation about things we want to teach our son or daughter the main thing was teaching them acceptance for all people and to stand up for who they are.  We talked about the sad stories we have heard over the past few weeks about kids bulling and how hard it is for kids (even adults) to just be themselves without harsh judgment. I was bullied in school, beat up and teased regularly all because I liked my hair blue and wore a backpack in the shape of a happy face (I LOVED that backpack!!). I was a strong person inside and although some days it was VERY hard I tried to never let it get me, but I know not everyone is strong. Some of these kids have taken their own life because of these "bulling acts" and it sadness me.  I can’t help but think that maybe if we didn’t put pressure on our wee ones to conform to a role or to fit in to the “mold” of what is considered “normal”, if we let our daughters ware a transformer shirt and let our little guys play with a pink easy bake oven ......maybe things would change?

I am guilty of the pink = girl, when I look back at when I was younger (16 years old) and raising Sj alone there were times that I said “no that’s a boy’s toy silly” I cringe at the thought that those words ever passed through my lips. There is no “boys” or “girls” toys ...there is just toys. Media had me tricked to some degree to believe that there are girls and boys things for children, but over the years I have come to see that there isn’t. We decided that no mater what we are having we will only buy items that we love and that are neutral.  As our little monkey grows and starts to chose things that they love and want to wear or have, I am going to do the same thing we do with our daughter now, I will be there for them and let them know its ok to wear bright orange pants if they want and there is nothing wrong with wanting a bag in the shape of a happy face!

Hope you all have a great Weekend! 

~Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. It's a tough enough world out there...... Try just giving someone a smile this weekend you just never know who's day you might make a difference in!!~

Sigh...I miss you backpack! 

One little monkey jumping in the womb!

Well yesterday was a day to remember for sure! First let me say that it is hard to believe that we are in 2013 and that rude people work in health care! T was not allowed in the room with me until the very end, that was upsetting for us both as this is both our child and we feel that it is the other parents right to be in the room from start to finish. Regardless! The tech was rude and did not explain what we were looking at or anything; we both got a "weird" vibe from him. He also would not let us take home a picture not even one as a memory :( With my first pregnancy I was treated horribly (that's putting it lightly) through my pregnancy by everyone Doctors, Nurses, Techs, Teachers. I was told by a one doctor to get an apportion it was the best thing to do for someone in my "situation"...I ended up not going for any prenatal care until I was almost 6 months pregnant. This situation stirred up a lot of those old emotions as I felt I was being treated the same way all over again. We are not sure what the guys problem was but we were so excited for this day we had waited and talked about it everyday since we started this journey and he kind of ruined it for us only a little because we did get to see our beautiful baby and it was amazing. She/He really did look beautiful!  Our next ultrasound will be someplace else even is we need to pay or drive an hour! We also met with the midwives on Thursday and feel it would be the best route to go for us as they were so friendly and understanding with us, they really treated us just like close friends...it was great! They explained everything and answered all our questions happily! 

The fruit of the week is my favorite!...a Peach!