Halfway....

The other night I had a very quiet night alone. I sat in Oz’s room listening to music and watching the sunset from his window. I just sat and thought about things good and bad. I thought about how we came to the spot we are in right now. How did one little “bed chat” (we always seem to chit chat just before we fall asleep) turn into actually being halfway through our first pregnancy?? It hit me hard when that thought came rolling in…... really?? Halfway …Holy Shit it seems like yesterday we were waiting to pee on a stick! I went as far as to look up how long we really do have left…in just 18 short weeks he will be with us.  I kind of went into panic mode. All these thoughts flooded my mind and I couldn’t shake them. I couldn’t sleep because of all the thoughts and the fact that I was very excited inside but equally scared. A new life will be added to this world and will forever change our lives. 

A million questions roll around in my brain…will we be good at the baby thing? Will we know what to do? Will Sj feel like we don’t spend time with her? Will I know if I am going into “real” labor? Will I shit the bed when giving birth? (Yes that has crossed my mind LOL) Will I be able to breast feed like I want to? What does it feel like to breast-feed? Will he be ok? what will the little bean look like? Will T be able to be with me when I give birth? (She works nights so it is a possibility she may not make it home in time) If she is not with me, am I strong enough to give birth alone? How will our relationship/family change & grow when the little guy comes? 

As I have been pregnant and gave birth once before, should I not know the answers to some of these? I am not the only one that thinks that, when I asked the doctor on our last appointment what contractions feel like …she gave me the strangest look. I really don’t know how one feels or what it feels like to give birth. As hard as I try I cannot remember Sj’s birth. All I remember is a very scared 16-year-old girl who had no clue what was going on.  I feel now that I am older I just want to be as prepared as I can, I want to ask a million questions and be calm about everything (as calm as I can be while in labor) I know I want to try to have a natural birth but I also know that nothing with child birthing goes as you plan or imagine it to. I have come to the conclusion I just need to take a deep breath, enjoy all the little moments this summer and hope for all the best come September!